Why Some Coping Skills Don’t Stick

One thing we know to be true is that coping skills become the path towards improved regulation, reduced outbursts and calmer kids. But it's perplexing when we've taught the skills, but they don't seem to show up when they are needed most. Kids learn breathing strategies, calming techniques and activities they can engage in when they're upset.

And when the need arises, if these skills seem like a passing fancy...POOF...they are nowhere to be found. And it's not because kids aren't trying. It’s because many coping skills are taught in ways that don’t translate when emotions are high. This can be particularly true for intense kids.

Real coping skills, the kind that go the distance, are:

• Practiced, not just taught

• Felt in the body, not just understood

• Used across settings, not just in therapy or at home

What Are “Lasting” Coping Skills?

Coping skills that go the distance help children:

• Regulate their emotions

• Tolerate discomfort

• Problem-solve through challenges

• Return to baseline after stress

They are not just “calm down tricks", to get kids to settle down in the moment, they become lifelong regulation tools.

Why Kids Struggle to Use Coping Skills in the Moment

This is an important piece of the puzzle, and so helpful for adults to understand, because it can help reduce our frustration when kids don't just "use the skill they learned".

When kids are overwhelmed:

• The thinking brain goes offline

• Language processing decreases

• Impulse control drops

This means:

Talking about coping skills is not enough.
Kids need to experience and practice them in ways their brain can access under stress.

6 Ways to Teach Coping Skills That Actually Last

1. Teach Through the Body First

Coping skills need to be felt, not just explained.

Start with:

• Breathing exercises

• Movement (jumping, pushing, stretching)

• Sensory input (squeezing, holding, rocking)

These regulate the nervous system directly…making them more accessible during distress.

2. Practice When Kids Are Calm

Skills don’t get built in the middle of a meltdown.

They get built:

• During play

• In neutral moments

• Through repetition

Try:
“Let’s practice our calm-down breath before we need it.”

Repetition builds familiarity…and familiarity builds access.

3. Keep It Simple and Repeatable

In dysregulation, less is more.

Instead of giving kids multiple strategies, focus on:

• 1–2 go-to tools

• Clear, simple steps

• Consistent language

Example:
“Stop…breathe…try again.”

Keep things simple and usable.

4. Pair Coping Skills with Visual Supports

Visuals help kids remember what words cannot. This is a step parents have often been pleasantly surprised about!

Use:

• Calm-down cards

• Step-by-step visuals

• Choice boards (“What can I do?”)

Visual supports reduce cognitive load and increase independence over time.

5. Integrate Skills into Real Life

Coping skills shouldn’t live in a worksheet. The skills need to be transferrable and repetition is important for consolidating the newly learned skill.

They should show up in:

• Daily routines

• Transitions

• Play

• Small moments of frustration

Example:
Use breathing when waiting in line…
Use problem-solving when a toy doesn’t work…

This helps kids generalize skills across environments. And it's a critical element in helping kids recall the skill on their own.

6. Focus on Progress…Not Perfection

Kids won’t use coping skills perfectly, and that's to be expected. We need to acknowledge what's known as "successive approximation", or getting a step closer to doing things well! It's part of the learning trajectory, and it's to be celebrated.

Look for:

• Attempts

• Small improvements

• Faster recovery over time

Try:
“You remembered to take a breath…that helped your body.”

This reinforces use without adding pressure.

What Makes Coping Skills Stick Over Time?

The research and clinical work point to a few key ingredients:

• Co-regulation…kids learn through supported experiences

• Repetition…skills practiced often become automatic

• Modeling…adults showing how they cope matters

• Consistency…same strategies across settings

• Emotional safety…kids use skills when they feel supported, not judged

Coping skills are not just taught…they are built through experience.

What Not to Do

Some common pitfalls can make coping skills less effective:

• Teaching too many strategies at once

• Only practicing during crises

• Expecting immediate independence

• Using coping skills as compliance tools

• Abandoning a skill too quickly

These can lead kids to feel overwhelmed…or like they’ve “failed.”

A Therapist’s Perspective…What We’re Really Teaching

When we teach coping skills the right way, we are not just helping kids calm down.

We are helping them learn:

• “I can handle hard feelings”

• “I have tools that work”

• “I can get through this”

That belief is what carries skills forward…into school, relationships, and adulthood.

Bringing It All Together…Making It Stick for Kids

Kids need coping skills that are:

• Concrete

• Practiced

• Visual

• Engaging

• Easy to remember

When emotions get BIG…skills need to be simple enough to use…and strong enough to hold.

A Playful Way to Build Lasting Skills: The Cool Cat's Club

If you’re looking for a way to help kids truly learn and use coping skills, the Cool Cat’s Club was created with this exact goal in mind. It's not a collection of random worksheets, but rather, a system you can use to help teach kids new skills to manage BIG feelings.

As with most of our new resources, this one will be HALF OFF for 24 hours. You can learn all about the product...it's features and benefits by clicking on the image below! If the code doesn't automatically show up, it's COOLCATS50, but it all goes away at 5pm EDT on April 16, 2026.

Final Thoughts

Coping skills that go the distance is not about having a long list of strategies.

It's about having a few reliable tools that kids can understand, practice and trust. When that happens, coping becomes less about managing behavior and more about building confidence, resilience and emotional strength. And that is something worth investing our time in!

References

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2020). Helping children build resilience.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023). Child development: Positive parenting tips.

Compas, B. E., Jaser, S. S., Bettis, A. H., Watson, K. H., Gruhn, M. A., Dunbar, J. P., Williams, E., & Thigpen, J. C. (2017). Coping, emotion regulation, and psychopathology in childhood and adolescence: A meta-analysis and narrative review. Psychological Bulletin, 143(9), 939–991.

Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2017). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 26(2), 244–259.

Porges, S. W. (2018). The pocket guide to the polyvagal theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. W. W. Norton & Company.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind (Updated ed.). Delacorte Press.

Zimmerman, K. N., Ledford, J. R., & Barton, E. E. (2020). Social stories and visual supports interventions for young children: A systematic review. Topics in Early Childhood Special Education.

Until next time,

Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD, is the founder of Kidlutions and co-author of BLOOM: 50 Things to Say, Think and Do with Anxious, Angry and Over-the-Top Kids, co-creator of BLOOM Brainsmarts, and creator of The Joyful Parent. She is the author of numerous workbooks and resources to help from the preschool through the teen years. 

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